Affirmative Consent
When “Yes” Isn’t Really Yes: How to Stop Self‑Betrayal
I’m fairly liberal in my personal views. I honestly don’t care what adults do as long as no one is being harmed and everyone genuinely consents. But there’s a huge difference between true affirmative consent and what I’ll call appeasement consent - the kind of “yes” that’s really a shaky, frightened “no” on the inside.
Over the years I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard some version of this:
“I didn’t really want to, but I went along with it to keep him happy.”
Or:
“I was afraid if I said no, he’d cheat, leave or turn cold, so I just did it.”
That’s not liberation. That’s self‑betrayal dressed up as loyalty.
With the Australian Government now running public campaigns about consent, it feels like the right time to talk honestly about what clear consent actually is - and what it absolutely is not.
What Is Affirmative Consent? Information about Affirmative Sexual Consent
Affirmative consent goes beyond a grudging or pressured “okay, fine.” It’s not a legalistic tick‑box; it’s a whole inner state.
Affirmative Sexual Consent means:
- You feel free to say no without fear of punishment, abandonment or ridicule.
- You feel safe, respected and heard.
- Your body, heart and mind are more or less in agreement.
- You’re doing something because you want to, not because you feel you have to.
By contrast, a lot of what passes for “consent” in relationships is really:
- Fear of being left
- Anxiety about conflict
- Fear of being called prudish, boring, frigid, unspiritual, or not “open‑minded enough”
- Exhaustion at the thought of another argument, sulk or guilt trip
- Or maybe you are afraid of your partner's anger? So, you go along as a form of avoidance of the real issue and underneath that, there may be a deep hesitancy to say no?
If you’re saying yes while bracing yourself on the inside, shutting down or silently bargaining with yourself - that “yes” is not affirmative consent. It’s survival.
Affirmative Consent vs Appeasement Sex
Many women (and some men) have lived this pattern:
- A partner drops hints, pushes or directly asks for something sexual they’re not comfortable with.
- They feel a tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach, a quiet inner “this isn’t right for me.”
- Instead of honouring that feeling, they override it:
- “If I don’t, he’ll just go elsewhere.”
- “He’ll sulk, and I can’t be bothered with the drama.”
- “A good wife / partner would do this.”
- They go along with it. Afterwards they feel:
- Numb
- Angry
- Dirty
- Betrayed - often not just by the partner, but by themselves.
That’s appeasement sex. It’s not loving, it’s not spiritual, and it’s certainly not true sexual consent.
The tragedy is that many people have been conditioned to see this as normal - “just what you do to keep a relationship.” It’s not. It’s a slow erosion of your self‑respect.
How Power and Pressure Undermine Affirmative Consent
Consent doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply shaped by power dynamics.
It is hard - and sometimes impossible - to give true affirmative consent when:
- You’re financially dependent.
- You’re terrified of being alone.
- You’ve been emotionally worn down over time.
- You’ve grown up being taught that your worth depends on pleasing others.
Pressure doesn’t always look like shouting or threats. It can be:
- Sulking
- Silent treatment
- Subtle guilt trips
- “If you loved me, you’d…”
- “Everyone else is doing it, why are you so uptight?”
In these situations, your “yes” might be more about managing someone else’s emotions than honouring your own truth. That is not what affirmative sexual consent is meant to look like.
Affirmative consent is about genuine choice, not coerced compliance.
A Truly Liberal View: Affirmative Consent and Integrity
A healthy, ethical view of sex and relationships isn’t about being conservative or wild. It’s about integrity.
You are allowed to say:
- “No, I don’t want to do that - even if I said yes before.”
- “That doesn’t feel right in my body.”
- “I’d rather keep things simple.”
- “I need more time.”
- “I actually don’t ever want to do that and that’s my line.”
You are also allowed to say:
- “Yes, I’m curious and excited.”
- “Yes, this feels right for me.”
- “Yes, but only with these boundaries.”
- “Yes, and I know I can change my mind at any time.”
In other words, sexual consent is about full permission to be where you genuinely are - not where your partner, your friends, porn or social media say you should be.
Real freedom isn’t doing everything. It’s doing what aligns with your own soul.
When Past Choices Don’t Feel Like Affirmative Consent
If you’re reading this and remembering things you did that you didn’t truly want to do, you are not alone. You might feel:
- Ashamed
- Angry at yourself
- Angry at the other person
- Confused about how you let it happen
Here’s what I want you to hear clearly:
- You were not stupid.
- You were trying to survive within the emotional, cultural and relational conditions you were in.
- It's possible you were never taught that your “no” is sacred and that consent includes your comfort and desire.
The point of facing these memories is not to torture yourself. It’s to gently reclaim the parts of you that were pushed aside.
You can say to your younger self:
“I did the best I could with what I knew then.
"I’m older and wiser now, and I’m going to protect us differently from here on.”
That is where your power starts to shift towards affirmative, self‑honouring choices.
How to Practise Affirmative Consent in Your Own Life
Consent is not just a legal standard; it’s a muscle you can strengthen over time.
Here are some practical ways to begin:
1. Check In With Your Body
Before you agree to something sexual or intimate, pause and notice:
- Does my chest feel open or tight?
- Do I feel grounded or like I’m about to disappear?
- Is there a sense of “yes” in me, or am I bracing?
Affirmative sexual consent feels more like openness than shutdown.
2. Buy Yourself Time
If you’re not sure, you’re allowed to say:
- “I’m not sure how I feel about that. I need to think about it.”
- “Can we talk about this another time? I’m not in the right headspace now.”
Affirmative sexual consent doesn’t rush you. It respects your timing and it supports YOU whilst you decide what YOU want to do.
3. Name Your Boundaries Out Loud
You might say:
- “I give consent for X, but I’m not okay with Y.”
- “That’s not something I want to do at all and that’s not going to change.”
Affirmative sexual consent includes clear limits, not just permission.
4. Notice Who Respects Your “No”
People who truly care about you may be disappointed at times, but they will:
- Listen
- Adjust
- Not punish you or use verbal or physical violence against you for having limits around sexual acts.
People who repeatedly ignore or push past your boundaries are telling you something very important about who they are - and about how safe your “yes” and “no” really are with them. As Oprah says, 'when someone tells you who they are... believe them the first time!"
Affirmative Consent Beyond the Bedroom
While consent is often discussed around sex, it runs through every area of life:
- Saying yes to social events you don’t want to attend
- Taking on emotional labour you’re too exhausted to do
- Letting people speak to you in ways that make you feel small
- Staying in situations that constantly erode your peace
In all of these areas, you can pause and ask:
- “Is this an affirmative yes, or am I just avoiding guilt and conflict?”
- “If I didn’t feel guilty or afraid, what would I choose?”
Your no is not unkind. It’s a way of telling the truth about who you are and what you can carry. Your yes becomes more powerful and meaningful when it’s not given out of fear.
That’s affirmative consent as a way of living, not just a legal concept.
Affirmative Consent Laws in Australia
Affirmative sexual consent laws in Australia, particularly in Victoria, are designed to protect every individual and every gender. The Australian Government is currently advertising on multiple platforms making it clear that it’s not enough to assume someone is okay with sex.
You must actively seek consent rather than guess or rely on silence. If you or your family are unsure how these laws apply to a situation, it’s important to reach out to a reputable organisation that can provide help. Some services will provide an overview in everyday language or a clear fact sheet about affirmative consent. If needed, they may also offer legal advice or direct you to a lawyer or specialist service.
Australian laws focus on whether a person has freely chosen to engage in sexual activity and whether the other person has taken reasonable steps to make sure the person to give consent is truly willing, informed and comfortable.
Simple Consent Advice to Support You
At the heart of all this is one simple truth:
You do not exist to manage other people’s egos, desires or fears at the expense of your own soul.
Love does involve compromise, flexibility, and sometimes doing things for each other. But there is a line – and that line is where you start to disappear.
Sexual consent is not just about laws and campaigns. It’s about refusing to disappear from your own life.
If you remember nothing else, remember this:
- A “yes” that costs you your self‑respect is too expensive.
- A “no” that protects your wellbeing is a sacred act of self‑love.
- The people who truly love you will want your yes to be real, not coerced.
You are allowed to stand in your own truth - in your relationships, in your body and in your life. That, more than anything, is what affirmative consent is really about; living in a way that honours your own truth.
