Fear of abandonment is a phrase synonymous with sabotaged relationships and co-dependency. We’ve all heard it used: “She/He can’t possibly succeed in a relationship; she has a deep seated fear of abandonment. ” Struggling with this fear can be heartbreaking and lead to isolation, depression, and feeling like true, lasting love, will never be an option.
What if it were possible to redefine this basic human emotion as a necessary driving force in long term relationships?
A pattern of behaviour may have started early on in life, triggered by a traumatic childhood event such as the loss of a parent, or maybe it was a death or divorce later down the road. However it came to be, this pattern can creep up and take hold of your thought processes followed by your actions, and consequently, your relationship. Some try counselling, some turn to friends and family for help. There are ways you can help yourself get past the constant disappointment and patterns of brokenness.
Before you do anything else, you’ll need to first evaluate your actions. What are you doing that doesn’t work?
You’ve started a new relationship and things are wonderful. You’ve even checked your daily horoscope and it seems that love is on the horizon. But then the insecurity slowly creeps in. You may find that you push your partner by expecting the relationship to progress faster than he or she is prepared for, which makes you seem needy and clingy. Allowing the insecurity take over can cause you to manipulate your significant other into doing things that will make you feel more secure. This only widens the gap between the two of you.
Furthermore, you may find that in this manipulation you are asking your partner to be responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If your partner is secure, this will only cause you to become someone they have to take care of and placate, not someone they want to be in a partnership with. Eventually you direct your insecurity towards your partner as anger and aggression, again pushing them away. You become desperate…try harder to hang on to the relationship, use manipulation again, get angry when they don’t provide the security you need. The cycle has begun. These things continue to happen until your partner is officially turned off towards you and feel the familiar sick feeling as you watch your relationship fall apart. You ask yourself one more time… How can I stop this cycle?
Instead of giving up on being happy and ever finding a relationship, let’s look at some things you can do to get yourself past your fear of abandonment.
First of all, stop blaming yourself for your fear!
You can’t control your past; you can’t change the events that triggered your pattern of behaviour. Instead, accept it as a part of who you are. Not as a huge weakness that defines you, but as a small part of the whole you. Now choose to love that whole you and don’t make it your partner’s responsibility to be the only one who can make you better.
Allow yourself the time to heal.
Seek help and seek guidance. Participate in abandonment recovery activities. Talk to a trusted friend about it. Call for a psychic phone reading where you will get insight from a person who will not judge you in any way. Read books about self-discovery and ways to develop self-confidence. Use that self-confidence to take responsibility if you have an overreaction or realize you’ve engaged in manipulation. Focus on creating a healthy connection between you and your partner and take your time. Go slowly, and if you find yourself going down the same path as before, take the time to stop yourself and turn it around before it’s too late.
Choosing to overcome a fear of abandonment takes courage and it takes time, but it’s the best choice you can make on the road to true happiness and fulfilment. You don’t have to do it alone, either!
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